


Obsolescence

by zilia



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Character Study, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-03
Updated: 2016-02-03
Packaged: 2018-05-18 02:11:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5894098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zilia/pseuds/zilia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky reacts to Steve's changed body.</p><p>Years later, Steve reacts to Bucky's.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Obsolescence

**Author's Note:**

> HERE BE ANGST.

Bucky _hates_ Steve’s new body.

 

He doesn’t begrudge him his new-found health, or that he finally has a body to match that indomitable Rogers spirit. Sure, now that Steve doesn’t have the same limitations he’s inevitably going to do even more stupid shit; when he was skinny, it was like an ant fighting a dog; now, it’ll be more like a dog fighting a bear. The fights will still be too big for him, just…scaled up a bit. That's inevitable, probably. Give Steve a place to stand and he'd take on the whole damn world. No, what Bucky hates is that the body only he loved, the body he's spent hours and hours kissing, touching, licking, sucking, holding close to him, sinking into, has now been replaced by this new, golden, towering form that's a complete stranger to him. Steve's spine is straight, so Bucky won't have to rub the aches out of it now. His lungs finally have enough space to expand, so Bucky will never have to gentle him through another asthma attack, breathing slowly in time with him, watching the panic in Steve's eyes as he struggles to breathe slowly subsiding as he trusts Bucky to get him back down to earth. His heart beats strong and healthy, so he'll never get dizzy and need to lean on Bucky just for a minute while he catches his breath, even right in the middle of a crowded street without a single eyebrow being raised. Of course it's a good thing that Steve's healthy now. How many times has he stayed awake at night listening to Steve's hacking coughs and worrying himself sick that this is his last night? He hates himself for not being able to be simply happy for Steve, hates the throttling resentment that creeps into his throat, but it's more complicated than that. He can tell himself that it's because Steve isn't Bucky's alone to love any more, because now _everyone_ can see how beautiful Steve is, and Bucky has to share him with the whole world, but the real truth is, Steve doesn't need Bucky any more, and Bucky _hates_ it, because if Steve doesn't need him, what's the point of him?

 

\--- 

 

Steve _hates_ Bucky's new body.

 

He can't hate it completely, because Bucky is after all still alive and he'd have given almost anything this time a year ago to have him back, but he's changed almost beyond recognition. His body is bigger than ever, but Bucky himself hardly seems to fill it anymore. Steve knows it's important not to look away, to hide the flinches that come instinctively when he sees the mess of knotty scar tissue around Bucky's left shoulder, or the twist in his spine that's a result of dragging that metal monstrosity around with him every day. He knows it's important to meet Bucky's gaze, to hold those blank blue eyes without betraying an ounce of his own sorrow or loss. He can't let Bucky know how it makes him want to tear the whole damn world to pieces until every last remnant of Hydra is burned to the ground. He hates hearing Bucky cry out in the night, heart racing and lungs heaving as he screams his way through yet another nightmare and Steve's arms bring him no comfort. He hates that the beautiful, gentle man he loved was hollowed out and discarded and reshaped into a killing machine. It doesn't change how he feels about him. Bucky will always be beautiful to Steve. Bucky will always be the thing that Steve loves most in the world, and the thing he'll fight for above anything else. But love can't bring Bucky back, can't keep him safe from himself, and Steve _hates_ it, because if he can't keep Bucky safe, what's the point of him?


End file.
